Sunday, November 14, 2004

"Just relax and greener grass will grow here for a change."

Well, it’s now nearly midnight and I’ve yet to start my six-page Shakespeare paper that’s due tomorrow at noon. I thought I had ridden myself of the nasty habit known as procrastination, but, alas, it once again rears its ugly face. But it doesn’t matter. It’s actually last on my list of things to do. The rules of my new Worry-Free Philosophy prohibit any anxiety, and so, in compliance with myself, there will be no worrying present in Apartment 210B tonight.

What will be present, however, is gratitude. Gratitude for the happiness that I’ve been feeling lately, and gratitude for the disappearance of the life-altering indifference of a few weeks ago. I don’t really know what happened to my grumpiness and apathetic attitude, and I don’t really care. They’re gone and I feel great.

Actually, I think I do know what happened to them. I think they ceased to be when I finally accepted that even if I have no idea where my life is going, God does. Every Sunday night at Mass it’s stressed that God knows what’s best and that He has a plan for each and every one of us. Up until tonight, I’ve just said my Amens and crossed myself, accepting what the priest said but never really believing it, never truly feeling it in my heart. Tonight it just hit me: God really does work in mysterious ways.

If the events of Thursday night hadn’t happened exactly the way they did, I wouldn’t have been here this weekend and wouldn’t have had as much fun as I did with the people whom I did. I was so mad at God on Thursday for depriving me of what I thought was so damn important, but He knew exactly what He was doing, and that’s clear to me now.

It doesn’t matter that my party on Friday night was scarcely attended and disbanded rather early; the people who matter to me were there and never really left. And if Thursday hadn’t sucked so much, Friday never would have happened and I never would have come to this realization that I needed. If I had continued to compare last year’s birthday (or the friends in attendance) with this one, I would still be driving myself insane with depression right now. I am a completely different person than who I was at this time last year, and, although it’s taken me months to realize it, it’s definitely for the better.

So, for those of you who follow the current statuses of my life crises, this is the end of the one that has been plaguing me since sophomore year. I know I’ve said it before and you’ve laughed at me and my lack of willpower… but I would advise you not to laugh this time. I mean business. I’m serious about success.

It’s nice to have something new to look forward to. :)

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