Tuesday, September 28, 2004

"Say hello to everything you've left behind that's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it"

I miss my friends.

I haven't left them behind, as the title of this post suggests... but in a way, I feel like I've been left behind. Not in a pathetically whiny, pity-party sort of way... but only because they've all gone on to better things (which is exactly what I want for each of them) but I'm back here, living the same life I've been living for three years... without them.

I love the girls I live with now... I love the apartment... I love the rest of the quad (especially when Cortny randomly comes up in her slippers just to gossip on the futon :)) I love my classes (with the exception of Poetry because, let's face it, I can't write poetry worth a damn)... I love my jobs (working in PR with Bree this year seems more like working
with a friend rather than working for someone; the Writing Clinic is awesome-- being the Grammarian Dork that I am, of course I would love working at a place that pays me to fix other people's crap; The Republican is fantastic, I've learned so much in such a short time and I really feel a lot more secure job-wise with graduation being right around the corner)... I love the new friends I've made and the old friends I've rediscovered.

In short... I don't have anything about which to be unhappy.

Except that I am. Extremely. And it's not even so much a problem anymore as something that just is. I keep myself busy (see above paragraph) so that I don't have time to think about how much I miss my life from last year.

I miss Money leaving me six stupid voice mails every day, each in a different, badly-disguised voice... I miss the way Ligda used to slam the apartment door (not unlike Cosmo Kramer) and slink down into my blue chair for a therapy session... I miss my roommates dragging me out of my room and forcing me to hang out instead of do geeky homework-type stuff... I miss Sex and the City with Jen and having IM conversations, even though it would have been quicker just to yell to each other... I miss hearing Bridget say "Hey Bock?" and her "jumping" cell phone ring and the way we used to close the door and sit on the bed and talk quietly, then laugh loudly and shush ourselves because "Wrigleyville is sleeping"... I miss Annie's dances in the living room and the way she used to bend her finger a little when she pointed at people... I miss shopping with Michelle (hahah let's be serious... NO I don't ;))... I MISS HOT LAVA... I just miss everything about last year. Even the drama, the all-nighters, the fights, the times I went to class without studying because I was up all night with my girks... I even miss bitching about the bass in the apartment below us (mostly because "bitching about" meant doing toe-touches off the coffee table and landing as loudly as possible).

[The only person missing from that list is the one friend who I seem to have really lost, in a more tangible way... and to you, I say that I miss you, too, just as much-- if not more-- than anyone listed above. You made me the person I am today, whether you know it or not, and it kills me everyday that things have come to be this way.]

Every time I do laundry, or eat Subway, or start newspaper layout after 9:00 Mass, or spend just a little too much time in WalMart, I think of my friends who were really more like family. While I'm still at Saint Joe doing all those same, wonderful things, they're all doing other, wonderful things... without me. Money is AmeriCorps-ing on the East Coast... Ligda is the Director of Music at a local parrish... Jen is in Law School... Bridget is on the verge of securing her dream job... Annie is a real English teacher... Michelle is a real science teacher...

I guess part of it is that I don't want to lose touch with who I was last year because I was a happy person then. If six people went off to start new lives and one is still where she's always been, and it's still this hard to keep in touch, how is it going to be when the seventh finally goes off, too?

This is getting long-winded. I'm sorry. If you've made it this far... congratulations. You've wasted about 4 minutes of your life and learned nothing that I couldn't have told you in 4 words:

I miss my friends.

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