just whistling aloud to bear the courage up

There's an older gentleman who walks through my building every day around lunchtime. I have no idea who he is - I've asked my officemate, and he's said he knows the man... maybe J's even told me his name and I've since forgotten it... but he's here every day without fail. I always know when he's coming because from the moment he steps out of his car, he whistles.

I've always had a special affinity for men who whistle. A beautiful whistle stops me in my tracks more than a warm smile, chisled jaw, or broad shoulder.

Lately, I've taken more of an interest in this man. When I hear him start whistling, I stop what I'm doing and watch him whistle his way through the parking lot. If he comes to my floor, I make up a reason to leave my office so I can pass him in the hallway. When he leaves the building, I watch him through the window until his car disappears around the corner.

I keep trying to work up the courage to talk to him. I've smiled at him and said hello, of course, but never started an actual conversation. I can't pinpoint why I'm so nervous about it - that's not really like me. I could always take the college spokesperson route and have a conversation about the institution. But I guess I want more than that. I want to tell him that hearing his whistling has become the highpoint of my day... that nothing makes me smile more than his melodies. I want him to know that every day he makes me think of my grandpa and just how grateful I am for the daily reminder.

Today he whistled "Amazing Grace," and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. I wonder sometimes about how many people in the building take notice of him - if they enjoy his whistling or if it gets on their nerves. Most of the time, though, I like to think that the songs are especially for me - that it's one of those curiously strong bonds that you sometimes form with complete strangers you see every day. It cheers me up a little to think that maybe I'm the only one who gets to enjoy the songs he brings with him.

we're not gonna take it - no! we ain't gonna take it.

Two interesting things happened to me yesterday.

Interesting thing #1

Setting: The campus mailroom
Characters: Six female coworkers and one male coworker (who was, admitedly, rather removed from the conversation
Context: Various stylists at the handful of hair salons we have in town

I mentioned that I don't like the woman who usually cuts my hair, and I asked for suggestions. Everyone (except the one dude) piped up and each recommended a different girl. After a minute, someone said "Whatever you do, just don't go to Karen," and the rest of the girls agreed and shared horror stories. After describing her borderline-mullet haircut and six-inch dagger fingernails, one girl said, "She looks just like that one guy... the lead singer of Twisted Sister - remember that band? Oh, what was his name........"

Without a moment's hesitation, I shouted "DEE SNYDER!!"

Perhaps I was just a wee bit enthusiastic about it... but come on! How often does Twisted Sister and Dee Snyder come up in regular conversation? Someone had to establish themselves as the resident hair-band expert. And if that someone is me, then so be it.

Is it really so awful that I happened to know that bit of trivia? After my outburst, I was greeted by looks of disbelief from my coworkers - even the one male present looked up from his computer screen with a puzzled look on his face. After about thirty seconds of nothing but crickets chirpping and my face and ears catching fire from embarrassment, the conversation moved on while I quietly died in the corner.

Interesting thing #2

Setting: A sports bar in town
Characters: Myself and three male friends sitting at the bar, a large and very loud table of men directly behind us, and one smaller table of men towards the back
Context: The local barbershop choir that was singing in the restaurant side of the establishment

We were watching the group of six men warm up through the window partition that divided the smoking bar and the non-smoking restaurant, pondering why they chose this place of all places in town to sing at on a Wednesday evening. J joked, "I bet if I tell them it's Becky's birthday, they'll come sing to her." I excitedly said, "Yes!! If they'll come over and sing to me, it can be my birthday."

J: "Really?"
Me: "Yes!!"....... "No. Not really. That would be too embarrassing."

I should have known not to use the word "embarrassing" - J lives to discover new and creative ways to embarrass me. He's his happiest when he's making me miserable. A minute later, he got up to use the bathroom... which I would have seen for the awful lie it was had I not already been engrossed in a conversation with one of the other guys. A few minutes later, the waitress said J was coming back with the singers, and it was too late for me to do anything about it.

They crowded into the bar, pitch pipe in hand, and I told the one who appeared to be the leader that it wasn't my birthday. "Oh, that's okay, honey - you're a beautiful girl. We'd love to sing to you." It's always nice when someone says you're beautiful... but the effect is lessened somehow when the someone is wearing a red and white vertical striped vest with a matching hat and bowtie.

They tuned up and jumped right into a rousing rendition of "Sweet Adalaide." It was actually really beautiful, but I couldn't stop laughing the entire time, and I've never blushed so hard in my life. They stared at me through the whole thing with bleeding hearts in their eyes, and they had the attention of every person in the bar. It was more than just someone singing to me - more than just a group of someones singing to me - it was an actual serenade. All we needed was a balcony and a tragic hero, and we could have had our own little romance novel brewing.

When they finished, everyone clapped, and the lead guy kissed my hand. I punched J in the face (thought about it, anyway) and left shortly afterwards, my Guinness buzz making the whole evening a complete success.

It surprises me every time I'm struck with a thought of how much I'll miss this town someday. I'm sure things like this don't happen just anywhere.

ben folds: rockin' the suburbs and my socks off

Sometimes I think that I could live off the euphoria of live music and never need another ounce of sustenance ever for all the rest of my days. The way you can feel the bass pulsating through your body, radiating in your chest and fingertips... the halting glances of your friends and other fans that you can catch through the spin of the strobe and colored lights... the delicious way that an entire auditorium clapping in unison can make you feel so empowered. Even the way you're only slightly embarrassed to cry at the sad songs in front of your friends because you know they just have to be feeling it, too. Especially the way you keep yelling even though your throat is numb with pain and you keep clapping even though your hands are on fire... all to make sure it's known how badly you want another set. How when the lights go up after the first encore and you're sure there's no more, it's like sifting through the mounds of torn wrapping paper on Christmas morning as a six-year-old and realizing there's nothing left to open.

Ben Folds was, needless to say, absolutely incredible - the rocking-est show I've been to in a while. A few times throughout the show, I caught myself sort of reflecting on the situation before it had passed. It felt so strange to know that I'd been dying to be here for so many years, and then there I was. I'd never be able to say that I've never seen Ben Folds before again. And then he'd play a chord that would jar me out of it, and I'd be back in the moment, right where I wanted to be. Sort of reminded me of that line in "Bastard": "They get nostaligc about the last ten years before the last ten years have passed."

He played just about everything that I'd wanted to hear, with the exception of "Emaline" and "Song for the Dumped." I would have loved to hear "Best Imitation of Myself" and "Philosophy," too. I kept waiting for "Brick," but it never came. I'm so surprised he didn't play that one, since it's arguably his most famous song... but I'm not too broken up about it. It would have just made me cry, anyway, and my mascara was already running down my face from "Still Fighting It." It would have been cool to hear "Gracie" and "One Down," too - and "Give Judy My Notice" because it reminds me of when Steve and I shared an office.

We (Purdue University) were the first stop on the BF college tour, and I think it was pretty evident from their energy that they were pumped to be touring again. Ben's stories and jokes were told with the sort of enthusiasm that shows he hasn't grown tired of them yet, and he recorded us to use on some tracks on the new CD! I've never been to a concert where they told you ahead of time that you'd be used on the tracks. They played quite a bit of new stuff, and the CD sounds like it's going to be an awesome one. A couple of the tracks reminded me of Whatever and Ever Amen - which, if they released another CD like that one, would be like Christmas, my birthday, and the Fourth of July all in one hard-to-open plastic case.

The drummer and bass player left the stage for a while, and Ben did some really beautiful piano stuff, including "The Luckiest"... which made me wish I had someone special there with me (or in my life at all) to share it with. Didn't help that the people we met in front of us were all couple-y throughout the whole song.

Some highlights:

• Annie Waits (my favorite BF song)
• Still Fighting It (my second favorite and, incidentally, the one that makes me cry everytime I hear it - so much so that I can't listen to it very often - and made me cry even harder live)
• Not the Same (so much fun when he divides the crowd up for the three-part harmony!)
• Narcolepsy (one of my favorites, but I was NOT expecting him to rock out like he did! What an awesome surprise.)
• Army
• Bitches Ain't Shit (of course!)
• JesusLand
• Bastard
  
• Kate (looove this song - I was so happy when they busted it out!)
• Rockin' the Suburbs
• One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces (one my faves from Whatever and Ever Amen)

I was hoping for a few more tracks from Whatever and Ever Amen, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't trade in any of the songs they played for anything different. It was just the pick-me-up that I've been needing lately - I'm starting to feel a little bit more like myself.

On a sidenote, HUGE thank you to my brother, who stood out in the cold for several hours to get us kickass tickets (at student price, nonetheless!). While we weren't close enough to see him sweat, we could easily make out Ben's facial expressions and see his individual toes moving when he took off his shoes to play the keyboard with his feet. (I told you it rocked!!) You're the best, brother! Incidentally, that night my wonderful bro and his crazy roommates introduced me to Beer Pong (no clue how I made it through four years of college without ever having played), and our sibling team ROCKED THE HOUSE (suburbs).

I'LL BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS BEN FOLDS IN 3.5 HOURS... oh, and fridge friday 2.29

That's right. Today I'm knocking out one of my top five on my Concert Wishlist: Ben Folds. In junior high, I listened to my copy of "Whatever and Ever Amen" so many times that certain tracks now skip, and I've had to buy a new one. "Still Fighting It" has helped me through so many tough times; "Gracie" has made me want a zillion babies for 2 minutes and 37 seconds at a time; "One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces" has made me laugh through all the shit that mean bitches used to give me. "Song for the Dumped" helped me get over every break up I had in high school, and "Best Imitation of Myself" scored me an A on an English project in college. Ben's been there through pretty much every step of my adolescent and adult lives, and now we get to sit mere feet from each other and breathe the same air for a couple hours. The anticipation has been sexy as hell. Hott.

The excitement, coupled with the fact that I worked through lunch so I could guiltlessly take off early today for the concert... means that I didn't get a chance to take a picture of the fridge for today. I'm sure you're crushed. Instead, I'll tell you about how many carrots I currently have on my shelves. I have two huge bags of pre-cut, pre-washed baby carrots for snacking. I have one small-ish bag of regular carrots to use in the beef vegetable soup I plan to make this weekend. I have one small-ish bag of organic carrots because I was curious what they tasted like. (I've never eaten organic veggies before, but I'd possibly like to start.) I have one quart-sized Ziploc bag full of cut carrot sticks leftover from a veggie tray I made for a party last weekend. I think tomorrow I'll make a big batch of dill dip and just munch on carrots all day long. Fun, huh? The unpredictable life of a 25-year-old. And I'm single, too! Bet you didn't guess that!

I have one more thing I want to get done before I leave in the next half hour or so. It's been hard to accomplish anything today at work because - did you hear? - I'M SEEING BEN FOLDS TONIGHT.

I love you all! Talk to you when I'm a changed woman!

Dealing with the Consequences of Actually Feeling

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

And I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

Mona Lisa

If in the morning you look up
Fake a smile and you sigh
Don't fear the future
In the years to come, you'll learn
You'll learn

I used to sit and watch the pouring rain
I used to wish to be back home again
I hadn't the strength then
I hadn't the chance to reveal it
But it's all, it's all in your hands
When do we begin?

Although you're so sad
Discover things never had
It makes you wonder
A life alone, you'll learn
You'll learn

I used to sit and watch the pouring rain
I used to wish to be back home again
I hadn't the strength then
I hadn't the chance to reveal it
But it's all, it's all in your hands
It's all, it's all in your hands
When do we begin?

Someone in California...

This circus is falling down on its knees,
The big top is crumbling down.
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east -
Where you should be, no one's around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by,
And I don't have nothing to say.
You get what you pay for,
But I just had no intention of living this way.

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And I get no answers
I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There's things I remember and things I forget.
I miss you-
I guess that I should.
Three thousand five hundred miles away,
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train
Baby, if I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
'Cause I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat

pjwshlst

More lyrics (only because I haven't had time lately to write anything of my own.... and because PJ is the best band ever to grace the existance of the universe):



Wishlist
Pearl Jam

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
the Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
for 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb "to trust" and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...


:) :) :)

"Here, baby... hold my jacket"

In honor of the weekend (and because someone else won't post any JT lyrics on his blog):


Senorita
Justin Timberlake

When I look into your eyes
I see something that money can't buy
And I know if you give us a try
I'll work hard for you girl
And no longer will you ever have to cry

Senorita, I feel for you
You deal with things that you don't have to
He doesn't love you, I can tell by his charm
But you could feel this real love
If you just lay in my arms

Gentlemen, good night
Ladies, good morning
That's it.


Have a great weekend, everyone!! :)

"Back to being who I was before"

Well... in exactly four months from today, I will be a college graduate. I desperately wanted to avoid the typical stereotypes... thinking in the mindset of "lasts," rushing to do everything at once, worrying that there's not enough time for it all... but now that I'm back at school, everything I've successfully avoided over Christmas break has come back to haunt me. As soon as I unlocked my bedroom door in the apartment, resume horrors, career worries, and friendships that soon will have to end attacked me.

Tonight I am back to being who I was before. I have four more months to play the role of the daughter who calls her mother every Saturday afternoon, the friend who still can't muster up enough courage to introduce herself to the cute guy across the bar, and the sympathetic roommate lending an ear into all hours of the night... the roles I have played for the past three and a half years... the roles I'm not yet ready to give up.

Three years at this place... this tiny dot on the road map of central Indiana, this miniscule point in the linear scale of our lives... three years at this place surely has given me a lot to miss. It's also given me a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to look back at.

Go hang your glory on the wall
There comes a time when castles fall
And all that's left is shifting in the sand

Happy New Year

it's been a long december but there's reason to believe
that maybe this year will be better than the last
i can't remember all the times i tried to tell myself
to hold on to these moments as they pass

A couple days late, but happy new year, nonetheless...

I know the guys in Dem Vittles (and Demagin), too.

Man... I have been out of commission for quite a while. Finals almost killed me this semester. I have never studied so hard, read so much, or worked so diligently in my entire career as a student. I'm pretty damn proud.

But, alas, when one part of my life excels (school) yet another has to be hindered (blogging). So, here I am, back with a blogilicious return. Except that, while focusing so hard on school, nothing else really happened, giving me nothing to blog about.

Let's see... I'm finishing up everything that's needed for my application to DePaul (all that's left are transcripts, thank-you-very-much)... I had a wonderful chat with Bree the other day concerning jobs after college and I'm starting to feel pretty confident for the first time ever... fixing up my resume and quitting because I can't keep it down to one page... sending away a few more things to various publications and contests... none of that is very interesting to anyone but me...

I saw my *favorite* unsigned band last night... Evenflow, a Pearl Jam cover band. Seriously... you need to check them out. They sound, look (to an extent), and act so much like PJ that it's kinda freaky sometimes. Usually they play a great mix of the popular stuff and the rarities, even a couple of the Christmas singles every so often... but last night they played pretty much straight through Ten and Vs., leaving the hardcores kinda wanting more... but we were appeased when they surprisingly broke out into a harmonica-less version of "Smile" (Beav forgot the harmonica, silly little man). Also, it helps that I totally know the band. The first time I saw them, I went with a couple of guys who knew them, so Lindsay and I got to know them before their set... and they remember us cause we're so damn great :)

Well, probably everyone can skip over that paragraph, except maybe Phil.

Also, I found yesterday that Lindsay (my best and oldest friend, for those of you who don't know) has a possible job opportunity in Kansas, doing some big important Math job at some big important Math firm. I'm not sure I did such a wonderful job of being the congratulatory friend... I was so surprised that I think I forgot to hide most of my shock and sadness at the sound of her leaving me. I know she probably needs to go, and that it will prove to be an amazing opportunity for her... and that she deserves it and so much more... but I'm still too selfish to lose my best friend to a stupid state with lots of tornadoes and farms. We have enough tornadoes and farms here, in stupid Indiana.... I don't want her to leave me.

Oh well. There's still plenty of time to be sad about that. Right now I think I'm going to sit by the fireplace and read a trashy romance novel. I'm not really in the mood to be smart and read something intellectual. I *love* being home on break and not having to think!!

"Rumors follow everywhere you go."

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
if I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in in no shape for driving,
and anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
if you were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago,
I might not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town,
and let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
to take its place... hey jealousy

And you can trust me not to think
and not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
you might not be let down

Cause all I really want's to be with you,
feeling like I matter, too,
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago,
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town,
and let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
to take its place... hey jealousy

"All the one-handed people of the world are rejoicing..."

Forget trying to relate the quote from the subject line into the actual blog text... that line is poetry on its own. And if just one person in all the world gets it (remembers it...?) then I'll be satisfied :)

Anyway... I don't actually have anything worthwhile to say today, I just really don't feel like doing homework, and blogging sounded like a good alternative. Ever since re-discovering all my mp3s after reinstalling windows, I've been finding these great old songs that I forgot I even knew. This is a big thrill for me since the infamous time of When I Accidently Dropped My CD Book In The Street One Day And All The CDs Fell Out And Most Of Them Were Badly Scratched. So I have been on a Billy Joel kick for the past couple of days, and I can't seem to get this song out of my head:

Anthony's Song (Movin' Out)

Anthony works at the grocery store
savin' his pennies for someday
Mama Leone left a note on his door
she said, "Sonny, move out to the country"
Working too hard can give you a heart attack
You outta know by now
Who needs a house out in Hackensack?
Is that all you get for your money?

and it seems such a waste of time
if that's what it's all about
mama if that's movin' up then i'm movin' out

Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat
at night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mr. Caccitorie's down on Sullivan Street
across from the medical center
and he's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac
You outta know by now
And if he can't drive with a broken back
at least he can polish the fenders

and it seems such a waste of time
if that's what it's all about
mama if that's movin' up then i'm movin' out

You should never argue with a crazy mind
You outta know by now
You can pay uncle sam with the overtime
Is that all you get for your money

and if that's what you have in mind
yeah if that's what you're all about
good luck movin' up cause i'm movin' out

(There you go, Kel! For your lunch break.)

Here's something else of absolutely no intellectual value.

Yesterday at work, Paige (my boss's five-year-old daughter) called to tell us a joke... she was on speakerphone. The joke was, "Which is cheaper: deer nuts or beer nuts?" We all knew the answer, of course, but we asked for it anyway... so she said, "Well, deer nuts, of course, since they're under a bill..." in that matter-of-fact tone that only children can pleasingly get away with. It was seriously one of the cutest things I have heard in a very, very long time, since, as most of you know, pretty much every kid/baby/small-person-younger-than-me can't stand me, so I don't hang out around them much.

(Everyone knew the answer, right? ......... Deer nuts. They're under a buck.)

OK. Bed time :)

***The author of this post did not intend, in any way, to impose on the idea of anyone who may have just started his or her own Lyric-A-Day Blog.