Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm On My Way

When everything is said and done, I honestly believe that I am a genuinely good person.

I am responsible, and I always try to do the right thing – even if I realize “the right thing” doesn’t always seem right at the time I decide to do it – I try hard to make sure that it will be the “the right thing” sometime down the line, when it really matters.

I’m a hard worker, volunteering to work evenings and weekends if need be, even sacrificing or canceling personal commitments in order to make sure that my work is my best.

I’m kind towards others, and I often reach out and help people who are in need of assistance sometimes even before their need for assistance is made clear. I volunteer, and I contribute to service organizations.

I think the most important thing about me, though, is that I care. I care very deeply about those around me and many times put them and their happiness before myself and my own. On my judgment day, for all the wrongs and sins I’ve committed in my life, no one will ever be able to honestly convict me of not caring enough about the people, events, and issues that surround me.

All of these attributes make me very proud of myself. Even though there are several things I don’t like about myself – just like anyone else – I try to focus on these four aspects to remind myself that, when it comes down to it, I’m a good and decent person.

But every so often I’m hit with people who won’t accept me for what I am and misread my attempts. They think I’m irresponsible, lazy, mean, and uncaring. To these people, I constantly want to justify myself and my actions, but I’m constantly silent. I was raised to believe that if you have to broadcast it, then it defeats the purpose – the meek shall inherit the earth. So that’s what I’m doing today – trying desperately to remind myself that these people just don’t know me, and their judgment of me and my actions won’t matter in the end, so they shouldn’t matter now. But it’s just not working out for me as well as it usually does.

I’m beginning to think that there are people out there who exist solely to break one’s spirit, who have no other purpose than to bring someone down. For all my efforts, today I can’t convince myself of otherwise. Right now, I’m questioning every choice I’ve made and every action I’ve committed since choosing to start my career in this small town. I can’t help but play other scenarios in my head, over and over again, trying to see where else I could have ended up – if the grass would be greener on that side of the fence. It doesn’t bother me at all to think that I might have been wrong in believing that this was the place I was meant to be. What bothers me the most – the hump that I can’t quite get myself over at this point – is that my morals and core beliefs about myself are being questioned and, ultimately, doubted.

And I’m left to wonder if there’s ever a point where it’s acceptable for a person to stop caring, to give up on everything she’s attempted to build over the years. Or should she compromise herself to become more like what those around her are suddenly begging for? Does it lie in continuing to try to convince herself that this too shall pass?

Maybe it’s just time to leave.

3 comments:

Phil said...

It's time to leave.

Listen...you can't care about *everything*. And...while "your job" might seem like a rather large, significant thing to stop caring about...eventually it will happen if the circumstances are right.

As someone who worked at that very same place and went through the very same emotions that you're going through, maybe I'm jaded. I don't think so though. I firmly believe that the place in question sucks the will to care right out of your body. The genuine, loving, caring people there are FAR outnumbered by the egotistical, snide, pompous motherfuckers that dominate that place.

I don't know how the good people stay as long as some have.

annie said...

the more northern more western part of this state loves you.

i won't tell you it's time to leave because the only thing i know of that place is greatness... mostly because i only stayed four years... and never saw the dirty under belly.

it is, however, time to follow your heart.

Tim said...

You can spend a lot of time contemplating the reasons you made the decisions you did. If you do that for too long, you'll look back and your entire life will just be "what if"'s. The only way to get past that is to not stop caring, but find the reason why something makes you sad, and eliminate or change it so it doesn't make you sad anymore. I don't think it's in your spirit to give up <3