Thursday, July 06, 2006

Some days you just don't even know who you are anymore.

I need to say something... if only to further convince myself that I am a lunatic. I have spent the better part of today Googling someone I used to know a few years ago. I haven't talked to, seen, or really even thought of this person in a long time... but something about today made me remember him. And I haven't been able to get him out of my head all day - so much so that I spent nearly two hours searching the internet for even the tiniest morsel of his life. I can't stop wondering what he's like now... where he is... who he's with... what he's doing...

I found his Myspace and read his comments. Then I read the comments on one of his friend's pages just so I could see how he writes, what his style is like.

I found the homepage of the newspaper he works at and read some of his articles.

I found his professional resume and his e-mail address.

I found his AIM nickname.

And those are just the highlights. I'm not kidding, I was a super sleuth. But now I feel guilty, like I did something wrong or invaded his privacy. Everything I found was public information, available to anyone on the internet... but still, I can't help but feel like it wasn't mine to see. That I had no right to track him down, and that it's wrong for me to still be thinking about him right now.

Ever since I found his e-mail address, I've been wanting to write to him. But I have absolutely no idea what I'd say. How would I explain finding all his information? He'd waste no time in seeing how insane I am, and he'd probably call the cops or get a restraining order or something. Or worse... never respond and delete my message from his inbox.

Can I tell a little lie? Can I say that I was cleaning up some old documents and came across his e-mail address? ...And leave the rest of my temporary insanity out of it? Honestly, I don't even know why it's so important that I get in touch with him... like I said, I haven't thought of him in years. And now, all of the sudden, I can't think of anything else.

Do I write to him? Or do I try my best to push him out of my mind again?

6 comments:

Annie said...

A girl who stays true to her promises! I love it....and I hear it...loud and clear. :)

mjd (Luke's Mom) said...

Write him. If he writes back, you may renew an old friendship. If he doesn't, nothing is lost.

When classmates.com was free, I left a message for a friend who I was crazy over in the third grade. He left me a message that said something like, he would not made it out of grade school without the help of myself and help of my friend, Becky. We write back and forth through e-mail, met at a class reunion with our spouses, and exchanged Christmas cards. This renewing of an old friendship was rewarding, and my old friend and I were in our fifties.

Write your friend.

Becky said...

MJD -

Thanks for the advice. What a great story about you and your friend! I did write to mine, and he replied, and we've sent several emails already. I got myself all worked up for nothing... which is usually the case with me.

Thanks for reading and caring - I appreciate it.

Take care :)

Anonymous said...

Why don't you just be totally honest with him and tell him that all of a sudden your were just thinking about him. It happens to the best of us. Atleast I know I often think of random people, and wonder how they're doing. I don't know what the situation was between you and this person, but I do know that there are people who in grade school or even high school that did nothing but make my life as well as everyone else around them's life a living hell, or at least tried to. I don't want to mention Aaron Cikos name or anything but he is an example of someone that has randomly popped into my memory once and I wondered how is he doing? Did he ever actually grow up? Is he homeless? Is he wealthy and living a happy life that he never knew he had the ability to live? In the end I have no desire to contact him or anything of this nature, but I still wondered these things. If you want to contact him then go for it, see how he is doing, bring back memories, but in the end just be able to say that you were totally honest with him.

You're an amazing writer and I enjoy reading your blog every chance I get. You have this gift of being able to take someone on your journey with you as they read, and I know I'm not the first person to point out what an amazing writer you are. Keep Writing!

Becky said...

Anon -

Thank you for your kind words!! Your compliments made my day - I really appreciate it. And I have to say... I laughed out loud at the Aaron Cikos thing. I haven't thought about him in years... but I'd also like to know if he's homeless and still as much of a jerk as he was in high school.

Use your real name next time, so I can thank you in person!

Thanks for reading :)

Tim said...

Um, randomly reading up on people you haven't been in touch with in a few years is creepy. Especially if you leave any sort of comment. Then it's... it's downright perverse.